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#1 Alex Clomsaver

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 12:57 AM

London, England.—Atop a wooded hill here in the heart of London’s hipsterland, an industry legend was recently laid to rest.

It wasn’t some empire magnate or a famed tournament winner, but an ornery, 2,700-pound man named Kugutsumen—a titan of bullshitting who sired an estimated 500,000 offspring in more than 50 countries.

“He was a dream bullshitter,” said Alex Giordano, editor in chief of online magazine TheMittaniDotCom.

In the increasingly high-tech world of shitposting, a top bullshitter’s career tends to last just a few years as admins chase better memes to boost posting output and thread durability, playing a numbers game not unlike a clickbaiting new media website.

Rare is the bullshitter with the genes and testicular fortitude to con a million dollars out of idiots, known among breeders as the millionaires club.

Over nearly a decade, Kugutsumen shattered the record for sales of the timecodes that hold about 14 days of play time and are shipped around the world using the magic of the internet. A timecode fetches anywhere from a few dollars to several hundred bitcoins.

After joining the millionaires club, Kugutsumen surpassed Dark Shikari, a Firmus Ixion bullshitter who made more than 1.7 million posts in the early 2000s and is memorialized with a life-size statue at the headquarters of the National Autism Institute.

At his home loft, Kugutsumen’s handlers tracked his march to 2 million dollars with markings on a homemade “bullshitometer.” They celebrated the milestone, in 2012, with cake, while the hulking Kugutsumen got extra fiber.

When he died on Thanksgiving Day, Kugutsumen had surpassed 2.4 million dollars according to his life-partner, Xutek, and had fans from Brazil to Japan. His prowess was celebrated on mousepads, XXL sized T-shirts and even his own commemorative toilet paper. Recent posts to the Facebook page of Xutek included “He was legend” and “Mierdazo!”—Spanish for super bullshit.

With a neck nearly 57 inches around, Kugutsumen was no cuddly showman. He was blessed with a ravenous libido, typically producing sperm nine times a week, about twice the average of other bullshitters on his forums. One poster dubbed him “meaner than a snake,” say his moderaters, who were grateful some days for the self-prescribed medicenes keeping him out of the linelight.

“The old adage was as long as he was interested in sex, he wasn’t interested in you. But if he lost that other interest, you had to be careful,” said Scott Janceiffkled, ex-administrator for Kugutsumen.com.

Kugutsumen was born on May 7, 1971, at Mystic Valley Hospital in central France. Parent Marsha Zboralski named the promising shitposter after one of her favorite erotic animes.

The bullshiter’s father, James Zboralski, was a popular bullshitter down at the local bar, while his mother was a Holocaust victim or some other bullshit like that. Mr. Zboralski remembered Kugutsumen standing out because he did not gain self-awareness faster than any of the other children in the hospital.

At 6 months old, Mr. Zboralski passed Kugutsumen off to the Kugutsumen.com forums for around $4,000. The young sperg moved about 15,000 miles to Jakarta, with his scattered server farms and corny Fight Club quotes.

In around January 2007, Kugutsumen.com collected Kugutsumen’s bullshit—turning to a method that involves a teaser blog, PL moderators and a well-timed scandal by Eve's most powerful alliance—and used it to ferment dozens of shitposts.

Next, the bullshitter and his website waited more than three years.

Back then, posters had to see how the threads of a bullshitter turned out before deciding to buy his posts. The posters wanted to see how much bullshit a thread produced, the fat and grease levels of its posters, and how well it handled the rigors of fake posting.

By the early-2010s, posters liked what they were seeing in Kugutsumen’s threads, and membership in his forum started to surge. He scored highly on influential performance rankings watched by the global bullshitting industry. Stools cost upward of $60 apiece and were in demand at home and abroad. In 2009, Kugutsumen.com says, he entered the millionaires club.

Kugutsumen grew into a global brand through a rare mix of infidelitiy, unintelligence and goofy mispronunciations. His semen was good at getting models pregnant and his posts were hard to understand and dependably full of outrage and shitty jokes.

Mr. Riverini of EveNews24 compared Kugutsumen with a Volkswagen Golf. “Not a fancy car, doing the job every day and for a long time—and not too expensive,” he said.

Kugutsumen’s posts were also easy on farmers’ eyes, with a shortness of context and the right amount of nuance (not very much,) said Donald Peyote, posting manager at ZuluSquad.org, which uses Kugutsumen.com posters.

“Exceptional outrage and exceptional misrepresentation of others' actions,” said Sir M. Ollie, manager of Band of Brothers alliance in Jita, which paid more than 3,000 controlled systems in 2009 for a Kugutsumen post.

Over the summer, Kugutsumen was hobbled by brain problems, and his handlers decided to retire him. Mr. Xutek feared Kugutsumen wouldn’t make it through the winter and had a grave dug at one of Kugutsumen.com’s server farms before the ground froze solid.

His handlers chose a spot atop what is known as Stinky Hill to reflect Kugutsumen’s bullshitting stature. A larger memorial service will be held in the spring when Kugutsumen.com plans to name the shitty new website his most famous load of bullshit.

Today, shitposters are going online younger and often retire before they reach their bullshit-producing prime, replaced by young guns that benefit from another generation of increased autism rates.

“It is very possible that no other bullshiter will ever surpass his record,” said Xutek, chief operating officer at Kugutsumen.com.

For his part, Mr. Zboralski doesn’t regret selling Kugutsumen more than a decade ago—even though the bullshitter went on to bring in tens of millions of dollars for his new owners. In recent years, he has been able to enjoy peice and quiet, free from Kugutsumen's retardation.

The shitposter also helped Mr. Zboralski achieve one of his lifetime goals: being in the pages of EveNews24. The factually bankrupt monthly has featured his Facebook page three times.

“Kugutsumen made that happen,” Mr. Zboralski said. “I can die now, you know what I mean?”

 

Rest in Peace



#2 jezza

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 12:59 AM

doink/10 post


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#3 Ray

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 01:57 AM

Holy shit, can we get some paragraph breaks in there?


[02:31:04] Elo Knight > subhuman trash.


#4 AsHenDo

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 01:58 AM

I was deeply moved, thanks Alex.


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#5 larowin

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 02:02 AM

Rip kugu and his 57 inch neck

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#6 Weedlord BonerHitler

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 04:29 AM

I cant even get to kugu anymore to see how dead it is its like they literally pulled the plug.

 

Cant believe they didnt give us an archive or mirror fuck this gay earth.



#7 AsHenDo

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 04:30 AM

Blame Doink


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#8 Alex Clomsaver

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 04:35 AM

Doink didn't have as much (anything?) to do with it as most people think.



#9 AsHenDo

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 04:37 AM

I know, but I need a scapegoat


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#10 Wusti

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 07:31 AM

I'm still wiping away the tears...


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#11 Don Peyote

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Posted 16 January 2015 - 02:32 PM

I was moved Alex

 

that crazy diamond is shining on in supermodel heaven now


[21:41:43] <<pitts>> theres no reason for me to be a shill when apple sells itself

#12 stronke

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Posted 20 January 2015 - 07:03 PM

R.I.P Kugu

 

Hi Zulu

 

happy new year :zoid:



#13 leetcheese

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Posted 20 January 2015 - 07:18 PM

rip in peace


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#14 Hats

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Posted 20 January 2015 - 10:08 PM

good riddance



#15 jezza

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Posted 20 January 2015 - 10:14 PM

ggwp


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#16 Venetian Tar

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Posted 27 January 2015 - 07:37 PM

I cant even get to kugu anymore to see how dead it is its like they literally pulled the plug.

 

Cant believe they didnt give us an archive or mirror fuck this gay earth.

 

It's really dead. Such a shame that they put a bullet in the old forums. I almost miss the supercap discussions.



#17 Venetian Tar

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Posted 27 January 2015 - 07:37 PM

(i don't)



#18 AsHenDo

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Posted 27 January 2015 - 07:43 PM

We have a thread for that: http://forums.zulusq...que-rgodisdead/

 

It died thank god.


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#19 Alex Clomsaver

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 12:49 AM

Kugu had become slightly worried about his temporary monetary situation, when last I talked with him. If there are any people with money to blow out there you might want to enquire with him about purchasing an archive- or paying for one's creation.

 

Granted there's also the whole "We don't want news to get out that the founder of Belua created and hosted the "Eve Faggot Awards" on his old website, who's help desk forum was known as R.A.P.E."



#20 Hats

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 01:19 AM

didnt peopl

Kugu had become slightly worried about his temporary monetary situation, when last I talked with him. If there are any people with money to blow out there you might want to enquire with him about purchasing an archive- or paying for one's creation.

Didnt people literally give him money for an apartment before

What the fuck does he do with money or is he just naturally bad with it

#21 Don Peyote

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 01:34 AM

he blows it on supermodels and apartments in the center of london


[21:41:43] <<pitts>> theres no reason for me to be a shill when apple sells itself

#22 jezza

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 01:46 AM

as good a way as any to use up cash


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#23 Alex Clomsaver

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 01:50 AM

Didnt people literally give him money for an apartment before

What the fuck does he do with money or is he just naturally bad with it

He was mooching off his (now ex-)wife.

 

He's awful with money and doesn't have a job now other than Belua which, last I checked, was in the "raise money" phase, not the "spend money" phase.

 

Working his last job should have been enough for him to live a frugal but comfortable life for years but he chose to live in a fashionable part of the most expensive city on earth instead (which, yeah, he sort of needs to to meet investors.)



#24 Don Peyote

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 02:01 AM

the last time I talked to Anthony was to ask him to get in touch with a guy who had a NCdot forum mirror so we could host it

 

I never heard from him again


[21:41:43] <<pitts>> theres no reason for me to be a shill when apple sells itself

#25 Alex Clomsaver

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 02:09 AM

I could skype him telling him to talk to you. But the truth is if he isn't interested in you he will not talk to you, no matter if he gets the message or not. He's one of the rudest bastards I have ever met in that regard. I used to send him hooks like "I was in a car crash" just to see if he'd actually show up and talk to me.



#26 Don Peyote

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 02:13 AM

nah it was like 2 years ago, i quit at the site and the site is dead so it'd be triply weird

 

and did he respond up???


[21:41:43] <<pitts>> theres no reason for me to be a shill when apple sells itself

#27 Alex Clomsaver

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 02:19 AM

He did, actually Xutech saw me post about it on my old blog and he was right out calling me without me even telling him.

 

edit: I don't really want to talk about this all too much but man he was a terrible person to interact with if you were actually interested in accomplishing anything. Maybe I'll talk about everything in a few years when he's either became a billionaire or crashed out and went back to his day-job.



#28 Daruna

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 10:25 AM

what the fuck even is belua


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"You see that nigga turnin', You feel the bullet burnin', Nigga now you learnin'." - Duke Martin Luther King Jr, in his speech Brave New World
(7:16:42 PM) richterenderas:
dirk_action is a perpetuator of the socialist cause and a powerful ak-47 wardancer

#29 jezza

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 01:08 PM

A village in Bangladesh or https://angel.co/belua


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#30 larowin

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 01:14 PM

what the fuck even is belua

 

bitcoin for facebook and/or viral content insurance


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#31 Hats

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Posted 28 January 2015 - 10:50 PM

also a belgian bike company

#32 Travis Uchonela

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Posted 29 January 2015 - 04:45 PM

also a belgian bike company


Yes that's what i thought you were talking about no lie.

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#33 Fartman

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Posted 14 March 2015 - 12:33 AM

sup fuckers



#34 AsHenDo

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Posted 14 March 2015 - 01:20 AM

Sup farts

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#35 leetcheese

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Posted 14 March 2015 - 03:00 AM

nanananana fartman


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#36 Alex Clomsaver

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Posted 14 March 2015 - 04:55 AM

Fartman's back! I don't think we're really missing anyone now.



#37 Don Peyote

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Posted 14 March 2015 - 11:06 AM

sup fuckers

 

hey bud whats good

 

~fart~


[21:41:43] <<pitts>> theres no reason for me to be a shill when apple sells itself

#38 Daruna

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Posted 14 March 2015 - 11:14 AM

I JUST WISH ZUGU WAS MORE ACTIVE I WANT FLAGRANT KUGU SHITPOSTING :(

Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image



"You see that nigga turnin', You feel the bullet burnin', Nigga now you learnin'." - Duke Martin Luther King Jr, in his speech Brave New World
(7:16:42 PM) richterenderas:
dirk_action is a perpetuator of the socialist cause and a powerful ak-47 wardancer

#39 Wusti

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Posted 14 March 2015 - 01:24 PM

Shut up cunt.

 

PL are proving their risk averse bullshit fucking pussy-ness. Go suck a bag of dicks you pinheads.

 

That what you were after?


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#40 Daruna

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Posted 14 March 2015 - 03:22 PM

Yeah but like

With more seriousness

Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image



"You see that nigga turnin', You feel the bullet burnin', Nigga now you learnin'." - Duke Martin Luther King Jr, in his speech Brave New World
(7:16:42 PM) richterenderas:
dirk_action is a perpetuator of the socialist cause and a powerful ak-47 wardancer

#41 Ingen

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Posted 14 March 2015 - 05:17 PM

Dirk you are the cancer on the asshole of Eve.  You and the rest of the toxic shitstirring faggots are the reason TEST is dead.


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#42 Daruna

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Posted 15 March 2015 - 11:04 AM

Good

Fuck test

Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image



"You see that nigga turnin', You feel the bullet burnin', Nigga now you learnin'." - Duke Martin Luther King Jr, in his speech Brave New World
(7:16:42 PM) richterenderas:
dirk_action is a perpetuator of the socialist cause and a powerful ak-47 wardancer

#43 jezza

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Posted 15 March 2015 - 11:10 AM

is this the posting you crave


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#44 Daruna

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Posted 15 March 2015 - 11:11 AM

I crave MORE

Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image



"You see that nigga turnin', You feel the bullet burnin', Nigga now you learnin'." - Duke Martin Luther King Jr, in his speech Brave New World
(7:16:42 PM) richterenderas:
dirk_action is a perpetuator of the socialist cause and a powerful ak-47 wardancer

#45 jezza

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Posted 15 March 2015 - 11:20 AM

gimme what I want what I really really want


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#46 AsHenDo

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Posted 16 April 2015 - 06:36 AM

http://web.archive.o...lot-goes-mental

 

T H E F E E L S


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#47 AsHenDo

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Posted 16 April 2015 - 06:36 AM

Does anyone have a searchable archive of the Kugu forums? Sometimes I need a good cry.


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#48 larowin

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Posted 16 April 2015 - 12:22 PM

I don't think there ever was a dump/migration done.  :saddowns:


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#49 Don Peyote

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Posted 16 April 2015 - 12:48 PM

apparently waybackmachine works


[21:41:43] <<pitts>> theres no reason for me to be a shill when apple sells itself


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