London, England.—Atop a wooded hill here in the heart of London’s hipsterland, an industry legend was recently laid to rest.
It wasn’t some empire magnate or a famed tournament winner, but an ornery, 2,700-pound man named Kugutsumen—a titan of bullshitting who sired an estimated 500,000 offspring in more than 50 countries.
“He was a dream bullshitter,” said Alex Giordano, editor in chief of online magazine TheMittaniDotCom.
In the increasingly high-tech world of shitposting, a top bullshitter’s career tends to last just a few years as admins chase better memes to boost posting output and thread durability, playing a numbers game not unlike a clickbaiting new media website.
Rare is the bullshitter with the genes and testicular fortitude to con a million dollars out of idiots, known among breeders as the millionaires club.
Over nearly a decade, Kugutsumen shattered the record for sales of the timecodes that hold about 14 days of play time and are shipped around the world using the magic of the internet. A timecode fetches anywhere from a few dollars to several hundred bitcoins.
After joining the millionaires club, Kugutsumen surpassed Dark Shikari, a Firmus Ixion bullshitter who made more than 1.7 million posts in the early 2000s and is memorialized with a life-size statue at the headquarters of the National Autism Institute.
At his home loft, Kugutsumen’s handlers tracked his march to 2 million dollars with markings on a homemade “bullshitometer.” They celebrated the milestone, in 2012, with cake, while the hulking Kugutsumen got extra fiber.
When he died on Thanksgiving Day, Kugutsumen had surpassed 2.4 million dollars according to his life-partner, Xutek, and had fans from Brazil to Japan. His prowess was celebrated on mousepads, XXL sized T-shirts and even his own commemorative toilet paper. Recent posts to the Facebook page of Xutek included “He was legend” and “Mierdazo!”—Spanish for super bullshit.
With a neck nearly 57 inches around, Kugutsumen was no cuddly showman. He was blessed with a ravenous libido, typically producing sperm nine times a week, about twice the average of other bullshitters on his forums. One poster dubbed him “meaner than a snake,” say his moderaters, who were grateful some days for the self-prescribed medicenes keeping him out of the linelight.
“The old adage was as long as he was interested in sex, he wasn’t interested in you. But if he lost that other interest, you had to be careful,” said Scott Janceiffkled, ex-administrator for Kugutsumen.com.
Kugutsumen was born on May 7, 1971, at Mystic Valley Hospital in central France. Parent Marsha Zboralski named the promising shitposter after one of her favorite erotic animes.
The bullshiter’s father, James Zboralski, was a popular bullshitter down at the local bar, while his mother was a Holocaust victim or some other bullshit like that. Mr. Zboralski remembered Kugutsumen standing out because he did not gain self-awareness faster than any of the other children in the hospital.
At 6 months old, Mr. Zboralski passed Kugutsumen off to the Kugutsumen.com forums for around $4,000. The young sperg moved about 15,000 miles to Jakarta, with his scattered server farms and corny Fight Club quotes.
In around January 2007, Kugutsumen.com collected Kugutsumen’s bullshit—turning to a method that involves a teaser blog, PL moderators and a well-timed scandal by Eve's most powerful alliance—and used it to ferment dozens of shitposts.
Next, the bullshitter and his website waited more than three years.
Back then, posters had to see how the threads of a bullshitter turned out before deciding to buy his posts. The posters wanted to see how much bullshit a thread produced, the fat and grease levels of its posters, and how well it handled the rigors of fake posting.
By the early-2010s, posters liked what they were seeing in Kugutsumen’s threads, and membership in his forum started to surge. He scored highly on influential performance rankings watched by the global bullshitting industry. Stools cost upward of $60 apiece and were in demand at home and abroad. In 2009, Kugutsumen.com says, he entered the millionaires club.
Kugutsumen grew into a global brand through a rare mix of infidelitiy, unintelligence and goofy mispronunciations. His semen was good at getting models pregnant and his posts were hard to understand and dependably full of outrage and shitty jokes.
Mr. Riverini of EveNews24 compared Kugutsumen with a Volkswagen Golf. “Not a fancy car, doing the job every day and for a long time—and not too expensive,” he said.
Kugutsumen’s posts were also easy on farmers’ eyes, with a shortness of context and the right amount of nuance (not very much,) said Donald Peyote, posting manager at ZuluSquad.org, which uses Kugutsumen.com posters.
“Exceptional outrage and exceptional misrepresentation of others' actions,” said Sir M. Ollie, manager of Band of Brothers alliance in Jita, which paid more than 3,000 controlled systems in 2009 for a Kugutsumen post.
Over the summer, Kugutsumen was hobbled by brain problems, and his handlers decided to retire him. Mr. Xutek feared Kugutsumen wouldn’t make it through the winter and had a grave dug at one of Kugutsumen.com’s server farms before the ground froze solid.
His handlers chose a spot atop what is known as Stinky Hill to reflect Kugutsumen’s bullshitting stature. A larger memorial service will be held in the spring when Kugutsumen.com plans to name the shitty new website his most famous load of bullshit.
Today, shitposters are going online younger and often retire before they reach their bullshit-producing prime, replaced by young guns that benefit from another generation of increased autism rates.
“It is very possible that no other bullshiter will ever surpass his record,” said Xutek, chief operating officer at Kugutsumen.com.
For his part, Mr. Zboralski doesn’t regret selling Kugutsumen more than a decade ago—even though the bullshitter went on to bring in tens of millions of dollars for his new owners. In recent years, he has been able to enjoy peice and quiet, free from Kugutsumen's retardation.
The shitposter also helped Mr. Zboralski achieve one of his lifetime goals: being in the pages of EveNews24. The factually bankrupt monthly has featured his Facebook page three times.
“Kugutsumen made that happen,” Mr. Zboralski said. “I can die now, you know what I mean?”
Rest in Peace